This entry is about my pain. We all experience pain. To be honest, I would much rather deal with physical pain than emotional pain. Any way, I’ll share this with you.
I have once heard it said, that you should not write from a place of pain.
Well, I guess I should not write at all. Because pain is all I feel right now.
Pain so deep that I cannot comprehend…why I am still here.
I feel the need to share; to let others know. The pain is real.
Sometimes all I have is silence. Sometimes I mask the pain.
Sometimes it is written all over my face.
Sometimes I feed it, breathe it, and sometimes I cannot bear it.
This pain…sometimes I do not think I can carry it.
Sometimes I am numb to it. I do not feel it. Sometimes I wonder; God? Why don’t you steal it?
Away. This pain…just make it go…away.
There is something that you really want to do, but the timing is not perfect. You don’t have enough people in your corner. The voice in your head is not loud enough. You don’t have a solid plan. Someone, somewhere in the world actually has the same idea…and they are doing it better. The “what-ifs” are weighing you down. Is it even worth trying? If you can’t stop thinking about it and somewhere deep inside you feel that what you have will benefit someone else…GO FOR IT! Yes, you should go for it. I’m sure you can relate.
It may seem selfish, but I just want all the people who love me to tell me while I can still hear them. I want to be given flowers while I can still see and smell them. I want to feel warm embraces from the ones I love, rather than have them leaning over my casket wishing they could hug me. I want to hear how important I am and how loved I am while I am still here. I want to be told how I put a smile on someone’s face or how I brightened their day. I want to be told how I made the world a better place, while I am still here. I do not want there to be any “ifs” left to grace the pages of my obituary. I just want to hear all of the good things about me from people who will probably never tell me to my face. How would a person’s life change for the better if they knew just how special they were?
Okay, so the weekend is over and a new week is beginning. So how do you start off on the right foot? Will this week be perfect? No. Will you face challenges? Yes. You may receive bad news this week. Things may not go as planned. A deal may fall through. Someone you trust may betray you. There are all sorts of things that could go wrong. But, you have to remember that life is unpredictable. You have to make the best out of every situation. You cannot stop living a productive life because of the challenges you may face. Believe in your ability to handle every situation that may come your way this week. You are strong and capable of great things. This week may not be easy, but you will prevail. Just start off on the right foot. Make up in your mind to be positive no matter what. Always keep a good, clear picture in the back of your mind. Just like you set the background picture on your computer, tablet or phone, do the same with this week. Set a positive background picture in your mind. Whatever background you have set for yourself this week will remain no matter what may come your way. In writing this blog post, I wonder if I am preparing myself for something this week? Maybe. If you are reading this, I hope you have a great week and know that whatever happens you will prevail.
I don’t always consider the feelings of others. Sometimes I am selfish. Oftentimes I wonder why me. A lot of times I throw pity parties. Usually I point out fault in others. When someone is rude to me, deep inside I want to return the favor. Sometimes I wait for strangers to speak before I say anything. I fear people at times because some of them seem evil. At other times I just want to hug people because I think all they need is a little love. I think people often look at me and see someone who is cold-hearted, but at other times they see a woman full of joy. I have seen people smile at one person and immediately turn to another person and offer a frown. I am only human, so maybe this is the reason for my actions. I try to control my emotions but sometimes fail. I have good intentions but my actions do not always line up. I want to love everybody, but some people I just cannot stand. They seem like a big horse pill that I don’t want to swallow. I am only human. Some people seem to be so nice and kind and sweet; just perfect. But what do they really feel on the inside? Do they wrestle with emotions like I do? Are they only human too?
I have them on a daily basis, on any given day. Sometimes it is hard to breath. Hard to focus. Difficult to ignore. What am I talking about? Scary dreams. What makes them so scary though? The thought that they could really come true? Or the hard work that will come along with it? Or the fear of the process? I think it is a little bit of everything.
What if you fall flat on your face? What if your dreams don’t matter? What if nobody cares about what you have to say? What if somebody has already said this before? What if you are not the full package? What if you cannot afford your dream? What do you do when people tell you that you can’t? When you fail, how can you gain the courage to give it another shot? Why can’t you just “do it” already? Why do your dreams seem so scary?
Just to get down to the bottom of it, you are not afraid. You know you can do this. You have so many ideas that it is ridiculous. What you have to say is important. As little as you have, somebody else needs it. As small as you feel, you can still make a huge impact. Do you know what your problem is? You worry too much and act too little. Do you know what your other problem is? You are still dreaming.
It is time for you to move out of your comfort zone and jump into what you fear most. It is the only way to stop the scary dreams. Then you will realize that the moment you dreamed was the moment that you already had all that was necessary to succeed. What you will accomplish is going to be so amazing. Mark this down as the day you stopped having scary dreams!
Where have you been? I haven’t heard from you in a while. How are things going? Is life treating you fine? Are you okay? Let me know if I can do anything. I’m just checking on you. I haven’t heard from you in a while. I heard you were going through a rough patch. I’ve been thinking about you. You were on my mind. I didn’t contact you because I didn’t know what to say. My wish for you is that things get better. I hope your life gets back on track and you begin to do all the things that you have been dreaming of. Are you still there? I haven’t heard from you in a while. Things are okay with me. I’ve hit a few bumps in the road also. You wouldn’t understand if I told you, and besides…you have problems of your own. Well, I was just checking on you. Are you still there? I’m here if you need me. I hope things get better for you. I’ll be in touch.
This post is dedicated to Maya Angelou. I never had the honor of meeting her but she was definitely an inspiration. Just hearing her speak made me want to write down all of my thoughts. I felt that maybe one day I would write something that the whole world would want to read, just as she did. I could sit and listen to Maya’s poems…hanging on every word. There’s no denying the lady was brilliant. She overcame so much in her life and became something so great. She has left a mark on my life because now I am crazy enough to believe that I can be great too. Dr. Maya Angelou, may you rest in peace!
My “to do” list consists of a variety of things. Things that seem necessary to remember at the time. Get the oil changed in the car. Put the empty water bottles out. Check the mail. Pay the bills. Go to the grocery store. Make a hair appointment. Take son to get a haircut. Put in for time off at work. Reschedule meeting with child’s teacher. Water plants (they are dying). Finish craft project.
These are just some of the things on my list, but one day I added three things right in the middle of my list that caught me off guard. Continue reading