I’m real…I’m raw

This entry is about my pain.  We all experience pain.  To be honest, I would much rather deal with physical pain than emotional pain.  Any way, I’ll share this with you.

My Pain

I have once heard it said, that you should not write from a place of pain.

Well, I guess I should not write at all.  Because pain is all I feel right now.

Pain so deep that I cannot comprehend…why I am still here.

I feel the need to share; to let others know.  The pain is real.

Sometimes all I have is silence.  Sometimes I mask the pain.

Sometimes it is written all over my face.

Sometimes I feed it, breathe it, and sometimes I cannot bear it.

This pain…sometimes I do not think I can carry it.

Sometimes I am numb to it.  I do not feel it.  Sometimes I wonder; God? Why don’t you steal it?

Away.  This pain…just make it go…away.

The good and not so good…

229 days of sun best describes my life. I’ve come a very long way; from wanting to take my own life, to being so depressed I didn’t want to pull back the curtains to let the sun in. I was in a dark place and I wanted to stay there. Now, my philosophy is- it is not likely that all of my days will be good; and that’s okay. For me, 229 days of sun is a lot better than none at all.

The following is a journal entry that I composed a while ago. Luckily, I bounced back…sadly, many people don’t.

So stressed, so tense. Sometimes I just hold my breath. So sad, so weak. I want to cry, but can’t.

I’m crying so hard on the inside, the tears are pouring down my throat; filling my stomach.

I can’t fix it; even when I think I can. I can never fix it, but I always seem to make things worse. My heart hurts. I’m engulfed in sadness; drowning in my own tears.

Can anybody save me? Or is it best that I drown? Why do I keep fighting to swim?

Just let go and be taken away… let go this time…